Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Fear of Rejection

God has been moving and changing me in a way like no other. Recently it has been to bring things to light that I had forgotten about or it was such a norm I didn't realize what was true and what wasn't or knowing truth but falling back into that nonsense by habit. So a few memories have been kicked back to me and I nearly gasped when they came forth. This one for me is an interesting one yet it made me understand a few things about me.

I think its safe to say its normal to want to fit in as a child or teenager but to what extent would you go to for it? I didn't realize until now that I did a lot of things just to be accepted and that's pretty sad. I made the choice to do these things so there is no blame put off on others that was solely my decision and I have to be accountable for it.

A few things I did to feel accepted:

  • Had sex with someone even though I didn't really want to
  • Smoked cigarettes
  • Drugs (now this was from a feeling of rejection but not from this stand point of wanting to be accepted it was to run away from that pain of someone who had rejected me)
  • Lied A LOT!
  • Made up stories and exaggerated situations to fit in (used to say I was a stripper)
So I think to myself who does these things? Who actually lies about sinning? Who actually does something they don't want to do because they want to feel accepted? I would say most people but most do not talk about it. I never talked about any of it until now and I blocked some of it out, didn't realize why I did some of it and now the light is shined in this spot and it must be talked about.

I think its pretty sad that I felt I had to even engage or make anything up to feel accepted and whats sadder was I wanted to fit in with people thinking their ways where right knowing they weren't. My goal is now to help others that feel the same way get freedom and to talk about all these things everywhere I go.

God told me a long time ago I am not abnormal a lot of people do these things but never acknowledge it or they said it so much it actually becomes part of their memories. You can definitely reason your with yourself but the truth is still there deep in your heart and I am glad Jesus shined the light so it can come out. Thankfully God has shined some truth into my life and I do not have to be ashamed of any of it. Thankfully he has changed me so I can see these things and say okay this is truth it hurts it sucks but I can not hold onto it anymore and give it to Him. God will now sew up that wound.

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. - John 3:19


Father I pray that all who read this are touched by your truth. That the light be shined in a dark place. We have all felt the sting of rejection but you tell us Jesus was rejected so we can be accepted. So I pray that all who read this and feel rejected be knocked over by your grace, mercy and love. That they feel they are accepted by you who loves them more than anything. I ask that you bring healing to their wounds and show them the love and kindness you have shown me through your Son Jesus. Thank you Lord for the privilege to love and serve such a loving God. In Jesus Name Amen!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Secrets

Have you ever just been sitting there and all of a sudden a memory comes out of no where? Its like it was gone and now its back. The memory didn't cross your mind in years and all of the sudden its back. What do you do with this memory? So it happened to me the other day and I must say I was surprised. But I knew if it came to my heart there was a reason for it. So I said okay God is this something I need to address??

I have been working on all my apologies and clearing my conscience of past wrongs toward people and this happened to be one of them. So a secret I had been keeping.

When I was 16 I gave my first born up for adoption, one of the best decisions I had made but a few years later someone brought to my attention another person I was with at a very similar time. This made me question who his biological father really was. So this thought came and went and 14 years later God brought it back to my mind. So what do I do with this? I didn't think it was necessary to tell anyone, why its been 14 years and he has his own family so who care right? (I know it sounds harsh but those where my thoughts) But I really felt the Lord say you do know know 100% and you need to let certain people know about that. So I must say I  reasoned with myself for a week trying to find a way out of it but I finally said okay God if I need to address this then I will. So yesterday was that day. I have to tell you it took all day to get the words out of my mouth but I finally did it and it was freeing.

God showed me I was worried about what people thought about me and it wasn't important. If it was important than why did I keep this secret from myself and others? Why couldn't I talk about it?

It had become a stronghold on my life and I didnt even know it, so I had to handle it so I could move on. Honestly I am a bit afraid of what else is hidden in there but I know whatever God reminds me of is for a reason. Its to set me free and humble me in the process.

Are you keeping secrets?? Confession is one of the best ways to address that, let God set you free today!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Coming Into the Light

So Jesus is referred to as light and I wanted to break it down for you a bit since I have been working on certain verses for my bible study.


John 3:19-21


"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.


Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.


But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."


First off Jesus is speaking in these verses and whenever Jesus speaks we know its important! I always say he was a man of few words but always had a lot to say. He always gets to the point and doesn't mess around with useless babble.

Definition of Light: something that makes things visible or affords illumination (illumination = knowledge, insight, wisdom)

The bible refers to light either by literally like sun gives off light or knowledge or bring something forth so it can be seen. God says in the beginning "God saw the light was good and he separated the light from darkness" - Genesis 1:4


Studying this I started to realize that it all means the same thing. You can see easier during the day because the sun gives off light which is why we stay awake all day and sleep all night right? While the moon also gives off light its not as bright as the sun. We turn on the lights at night why?? so we can see and don't trip on things as we walk around the house. So Jesus is the light of the world and he comes in to shine his light "truth" on us it exposes who we really are on the inside.

Darkness is basically what? ignorance, lack of knowledge etc. We cannot see when its dark in the house right? We wouldn't be able to see the couch or toys on the floor if the lights where out in the house. We turn on the light so we can see whats in our way and we can either pick it up or go around it. So Jesus is the same way except he came for the heart of man. He exposes who we really are inside. Coming into the light allows us to see us for who we really are, allowing us to repent, be forgiven and then being changed by God.

So our heart is the dirty house with no lights, there are toys all over the floor, furniture everywhere, cob webs and dust everywhere. (I think you get the point) Would anyone be able to walk in there while its dark? No because its toxic, we would trip over the toys and probably get bitten by a spider. While its dark though do you see anything wrong with his house?? No because its dark you cannot see anything so you would have no clue about the toys or furniture or bugs. As we move through life in the darkness we trip, stumble, get stung and what about others moving through life with us? same thing they get hurt stumble and get stung. And our thoughts?? We have no clue why but all we know is its not our fault, it was a poor childhood, someone was mean to you, I didn't have as much as some did growing up, I was hurt by my parents, I was hurt by my friend etc etc. While some of our circumstances are not in our control and yes some are worse than others we still cannot blame the way we live/lived on someone else.

Jesus comes in with a light and shines it on the areas that need to be cleaned. Accepting this truth and truly repenting and allowing Jesus to change our dirty heart to a new clean one. Jesus cleans out the old dirty house and makes it a new. Jesus exposes the big furniture in the room and helps us move it out of the way so we can move around without getting hurt or hurting others. But for Jesus to come in with that light that means what? our dirty laundry is exposed. That means we have to deal with the bad choices we have made and the truth about us.

An example: I was rejected by my father when I was younger and he didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. So what did I do? I slept with every guy I could find hoping to feel that love I was missing. I did drugs to numb the pain. I was with women, I did porn, I made money while exposing myself online (online stripper is what they called it then). Did I think any of these things where wrong?? Some I can sadly say yes I knew it was wrong and still did it but I had convinced myself that it was okay to do all of those things. I didn't even really know why I did most of those things, I knew I was running just not sure what I was running from. I hurt every male I came into contact with. I was disconnected and didn't care about anyone else but myself. I liked the older men (looking for that daddy) and treated each one of them like they where garbage. So was my house dirty?? Oh you bet it was no one could come into that place without getting chewed up and spit out. Who was I hurting? Of course myself but we cannot forget each person I came in contact with and lets not forget those that loved me and watched me do this. Most of them still do not know the extent to the things I did.

So I find Jesus and what does he do?? Took that light and showed me the big pieces of furniture sitting around and helped me clean it up. At this point I still did not know why I did any of these things but God brought to light the things that where really big and filthy and dealt with them. Removed them from my life. So this gives me a little wiggle room in my dirty house and I can now was without falling every 2 seconds but its better than before. Is he done? NO WAY! Hes only just begun to clean house. (this was 10 years ago) I didn't really know Jesus at this point, I thought I did but I know now I only knew about him and didnt know him. Many years passed I am now a wife with 3 kids. God gets my attention with a lovely preacher name Joyce Meyer and starts shining some more light. As I get to know him more and more becomes exposed. I get the Holy Spirit and watch out the consuming fire has come to really clean some house. He started showing me what happened and why I did the things I did and then it gets ugly he exposes that I had become the one that hurt me the most. I was doing the same thing to my kids that was done to me. I was grieved, I cried, I was ashamed, I could not believe it. The one who hurt me the most I had become. I confessed this before the Lord pleading for help and you know what he said. "You are forgiven, My grace is enough for you and I can show you how to love."  So that truth SUCKED in every way shape or form, I knew nothing about it and hearing it was one of the worst things ever but if God did not shine his light there and expose the truth about me then I would have hurt my kids the same way I was hurt and they would have gone and done the same things I did.

My children would have had the same issues and same dirty house I had and who knows what would have happened. God shed some light with love and mercy and said lets clean this house up and I will show you how to love so the same damage is not done.

So after all that folks the light is truth about us, and the darkness is ignorance about us. Yes ignorance feels better for the moment but it is TOXIC and kills you and everyone around you.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.


Your deeds will be exposed by the light of God and it HURTS but only for a moment! Gods gentle loving touch comes right in (if you let him) and sets you free and covers you with the grace and mercy given by the blood of Jesus Christ.

but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.


We love the ignorance because we think we are right, we think we are okay, we think we do not need anyone, we think we are strong, we are full of pride and selfishness, we think its someone elses fault, we think we cannot change, we think we are good most of the time etc etc.

Do not believe the darkness its a LIE!!!! It makes you feel comfortable for a moment but you are toxic on the inside and out. Hurting others and a slave to yourself.

Let the one who saves and shines light set you free!! He wants to! He loves you sooooo much he is knocking on that door hoping you will open it. He is pleading for your life and begging for you to accept his mercy and grace.  He wants to bandage up your wounds and show you how to live with joy and peace. He wants to shower you with love and hold you in his arms and tell you its going to be okay. Your maker loves you soooo much and it hurts him to see you this way.


2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.


Anyone means you!!!!

Father I pray that anyone who reads this has a revelation of your love and mercy and grace. That no matter what they may have done or are currently doing is not too much to come to you and receive your love. You do not desire anyone to perish and I am truly thankful for your loving, patient, merciful heart toward your children. Jesus I thank you for being the ultimate sacrifice so we can come and get to know the Father intimately and for bandaging up our wounds. You came for the sinner and I pray in Jesus name that anyone reading this right now is hit with the light and throws themselves down at your feet in repentance. And then accepts the loving forgiveness and mercy offered by you for free. You already paid the price so we can be free. Show all who reads this that the light is good and if we repent and receive your mercy we do not have to be ashamed that we are made a new in you. I am ever grateful for your truth and light! Thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me through these hard times of exposure of myself. You always do it little by little and you do it gently, then bind up those wounds and change our hearts more and more. You are the ultimate maid for our dirty hearts and minds and I am thankful for your everlasting grace and love. I love you Lord! in Jesus name Amen!!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Speak of What You know

Doing a bible study this morning and decided to break down a few things in one verse so I figured I would share.

I have been reading in John and breaking all the verses down, Jesus was witnessing to people and I believe how he did it is exactly how he wants us to do it so its important to follow his example.

John 3:11
I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony.

So lets break down in our own words here what Jesus was saying.

1. I tell you the truth - simple one here we should always be speaking the truth when witnessing or speaking to someone about God. There is no need to exaggerate anything in our experiences with God. The truth is enough.

2. we speak of what we know - So I love this one, we only need to speak of what we know to be true, this means it is okay if talking to someone and you do not have the answer to say "I do not know". I think sometimes we feel as Christians we should always have the answers well this clearly tells me that I do not always have the answer. Only speaking of what you know is fine and sometimes I feel like I do not know enough to actually go out and be a witness and that is not true.  If you are speaking to someone who doesn't know Jesus then you know more then them. New Christians like 2 minutes old can be share the good news and think about all the people Jesus healed how they ran off to tell everyone.

3. we testify to what we have seen - Easy one again, its okay to share what you have seen. Jesus showed me the outline of his face one night and boy was I amazed, excited, in awe and speechless. I tell everyone about it and most just think I am crazy but I do not care. I know what I saw and you would be shouting it from the roof tops also if you saw it. So do not be afraid to tell of what you have seen, some people have seen God do some beautiful miracles and I think its important we share them with others. Your personal testimony is important to talk about, a transformation of life is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen so share away about your transformation.

4. but still you people do not accept our testimony - after all you have shared it is still possible that they will not believe you. If they did not believe Jesus here then its safe to assume you will go through the same thing. I know many have thought I was a little crazy but that's okay. I know what I have seen, I know what I know and its not my job to make them believe me.

We are commanded to go out and preach the good news and I know I have made it more difficult than it has to be. I think Jesus makes it simple in this passage when it comes to sharing. Keep it honest, share what you know, share what you have seen.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

THE VISION OF THE END William Booth (1829-1912)

He was founder and first general of the Salvation Army. He had a passionate heart of an evangelist, and felt the special vocation of the poor in London. The structures of the British churches have not been able to find a place for this man and his ministry. Together with his wife, William began an intensive campaign aimed at attainment of the poor in London with the Gospel and meet their practical needs. The Salvation Army William Booth was a huge success, and today operates throughout the world. With a lot of prayers, hard work and perseverance watched many thousands of people coming to Christ and strengthened in the faith.


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During one of my last trip I was led to consider the spiritual condition of the crowds that surround me, people who live independently of his eternal vocation in the most open and shameless rebellion against God. I thought about the millions of people around me, treated drunkenness and pleasures, interests and worries, policies and problems, in many cases ongoing in blasphemy and anger. During these considerations, I had a vision.

I saw a dark, stormy ocean. Hung over it, heavy, dark clouds, and from time to time they clear cut the lightning and thunder rolled. When the howling winds blew, the waves rose and foam. In this ocean I saw a lot of human beings in the vortexes sucked and floating, screaming, squeaking, blaspheming and struggling, and each of them was falling more and more. As I cursed and screamed they were once again elevating the surface, they shouted again, and then drowned, would no longer proceed.

I have also seen emerging from this dark, evil mighty ocean rock, whose top reached higher than the dark clouds hanging over the stormy sea. Around the base of the rock, I saw a flat platform and watched the delight of these poor, struggling, drowning the poor escaping from the ocean and climb the platform. I saw that some of those who have already helped to secure these poor creatures that were still in the water, climb a safe place.

Looking at the more I saw a group of those who survived, using ladders, ropes and boats, struggling to pull out of the water yet. There were also those who jumped into the water without paying attention to the consequences, wanting to save the drowning. I was not sure what made me the most joy - a view of poor people climbing the rock and found a safe place or the dedication of those who were fully committed to efforts to free their comrades.

However, surprised me one thing: even though each of which are on the rock has been rescued from the ocean, nearly everyone seemed to forget about the horror of this darkness and danger, which did not concern them any more. What seemed to me both strange and shocking was the fact that these people have not revealed the absolutely no concern for these poor, lost creatures, who struggled and drowned before their eyes, even though many of them were family members of survivors. This lack of concern was certainly not the result of their ignorance, because they once lived in this situation, regularly attending lectures, where he reported the status of these poor drowning creatures.

While on the platform were busy with different performance characteristics. Some days and nights were involved in their interests by making their savings in banks and vaults. Many spent their time admiring the flowers, paint, playing instruments or imposing nice clothes in the hope that they will be admired.

On the platform were some who were mainly food and drink. Others spent the time to quarrel about the drowning people, discussing what will happen to them in the future, while others rejoiced that it fulfilled its duty towards the lost interest by the organization of religious ceremonies.

Some of the crowd who had found a place of refuge, they found the road leading up the cliffs, to a higher platform located above the layer of clouds hanging our ocean. They had a good view from there to the central part of the land, where they hoped to find someday. At this higher platform, they spent time thinking about pleasant things, congratulating each other this luck that they were rescued from the stormy depths, and singing songs about the joy that will inherit when they are taken to the mainland. All this happened while the masses of struggling, screaming people drowned in the dark, choppy water in the eyes of those who are happy sitting and waiting for the day when they leave the rock.

How much I wanted to see crowds of people involved in the rescue of others, instead of that small handful! The few workers that I have seen, it seemed to do little beyond crying and helping people. Gave themselves up without reserve and stubbornly held around begging people for help. However, this was regarded as nonsense by many normal and religious people. After all, they continued to work, giving everything they had to buy a boat, ropes and other equipment are helpful to save the poor drowning people.

And then I saw something miraculous. Suffering, danger and sorrow of these poor, struggling in the dark sea creatures have caused sorrow in heaven God - touched him so much that he sent a wonderful essence to free them. This one came straight from his palace through the dark clouds, straight into the raging sea between the drowning people. He began to rescue them weeping and tears, until the sweat poured down his pain with the blood. When he took the arms of drowning, trying to put them on a rock, still wept and cried out to the survivors - those who have already been helped blood his hands - to help in this difficult, demanding task, which was to rescue their comrades.

The most frightening thought is that those located on the platform, which called, they were so busy with their own affairs and problems, saving money and pleasures, family and religious obligations, or preparing to travel to the center of the land that did not pay attention call this Being, he loved - the one who himself went down to the sea. When you heard the cry of ignoring them completely or just not pay any attention. And in this way more crowds struggled, cried, and sank into darkness.

And then I saw something that gave me even more terrifying than anything he had ever seen. Some of the people on the platform, previously asked by this great Being, to come and help in this difficult task, all the time praying for that someone to come. Some wanted to come and stay with them by giving time and strength to make them happier. Some wanted to come and help them feel more secure on the rock, as it was known that some went so carelessly that they lost the ground under his feet skidded back into the water. These people met, comprised as high as they could and looking towards the mainland, where they thought that there is a great Idea, shouted: "Come to us! Come and help us. " All this time he was at the bottom, between the struggling, splashed creatures. Surrounding them with their arms trying to pull them, looking imploringly, but to no avail for those in the rock. His voice was hoarse from cries of "Come to me! Come and help me! "

Then I realized this vision. It was quite clear. The sea is the ocean of life - the sea of human existence. Lightning sparks of acquiring the truth coming from the throne of God. Thunder is a distant echo of God's wrath. Countless people who tibia and struggled in agony in the choppy waters, were thousands of thousands of poor sinners from every tribe and tongue and nation.

How is the sea was black! And what multitudes of rich and poor, educated and uneducated were in it all so differently comprehending the circumstances and conditions, but so alike in one thing - all sinners before God, held back by their iniquity, fascinated by some idol, the slaves evil concupiscence, deceived by a cruel enemy of the infinite abyss!

They were similar not only in his iniquity, but if you have not been rescued, including those that drowned going down to the same place. This great, protects the rock represented Calvary, and people are located on it were rescued. The manner in which its energy benefits, gifts and time, showed activities of those who claim to be saved, redeemed from sin and hell, to be followers of Jesus Christ.

This handful of passionate, determined to rescue the soldiers of salvation. Being powerful is the Son of God, the same yesterday, today and forever, which is still struggling to save the dying multitudes from the bottom of this terrible destruction. His voice is still heard over the music, machinery, and rebellion of life, he urges survivors to come and help him save the world.

My friends, you are rescued from the water, you are on a rock. He is in the dark sea calling on you to come help him. Did you go? Raging sea life filled with endangered souls move about to the place where you stand.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, is in the midst of this decaying crowd, struggling to help them. He calls you, you jumped into the sea, you immediately went over to his side, helping him in his holy struggle. Can you jump? Did you go and give in totally to him? Are you who still linger on the shore, put away his pride, concern for the opinion, the love of all that simple, and other selfish pleasure, where you been so long attached and you run to save the endangered multitude of souls?


Is it a sea swirl does not look scary? Of course, yes. There is no doubt that this act will be for you and for others taking the challenge, marked difficulties, pain and suffering. For some this may mean even more - death. He who calls you into the sea, however, knows what it will mean, and still calls and invites you and me to go.

Satisfaction long enough to secure religion. We already had pleasant feelings, pleasant songs, pleasant meetings and fun ideas. There have been a lot of luck, much clapping of hands and a lot of heaven on earth. And now we go to God and tell Him that we are prepared to, if necessary, to turn away from it all and that we want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the multitude of endangered, regardless of price.


Going down to the dying - this is our calling. Our happiness at this time will consist of share in suffering, our facility will be sharing their pain, wearing the crown of our cross, and our skies will arrive in the same gates of hell to save them.

Did you go?

Monday, January 30, 2012

Entrusting ourselves to Others

Studying this morning I came across a good piece of scripture.

But Jesus did not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men. John 2:24

Some definitions

Entrust: to confide, to deposit for responsibility
Greek paratitheni: to place beside or set before, a banking term "to deposit for safekeeping"
Hebrew להפקיד : deposit

This made me ask How much of ourselves do we give others for safe keeping? How much do you give someone else responsibility for?

Some things you make others responsible for:

1. happiness
2. peace
3. fun

So I would have to say I am guilty of giving someone else the responsibility of keeping me happy. Have you ever done that?

What about peace?? Have you ever said I would have peace if only the kids would listen?

What about fun?? I can't have fun unless your having fun?

A big one I hear all the time is, if moms not happy then no one is happy! How dumb is that??

Those are just a few things that came to mind that I know I have said or ways I have felt. But is it really fair to put that responsibilty on someone else???

No its not and Jesus tells us he did not entrust himself to man at all. Why?? well simply put "he knew all men". So he is talking about the heart of man and whats in our hearts?? Some basic characteristics we all suffer from:

- prideful
- shelfish

so those are 2 that are huge and tells me I do not want to be entrusting any person with me. And is it really fair to entrust someone else with your happiness or peace?? Not really because it is impossible for them to fulfill that.

So thinking about this is there someone in your life you need to release from this responsiblity??

Only God knows what truly makes you happy so we need to be entrusting ourselves to him completely. Not only can man not please us but I think we are doing an injustice to them by giving them the responsibility for things they cannot even control.

Father, I think you for wisdom and knowledge and for Jesus giving us the example of how we should live. Giving us the example of how we can truly be happy, have peace or even have fun. You want only the best for us and I pray anyone who reads this will entrust themselves to you. For you knew the heart of man and it cannot please us. I ask for forgiveness Father for giving others the responsibilty and it was not fair of me to do that. I love you Lord and am thankfully for the revelation of my responsibilites. Thank you Lord! In Jesus name Amen!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Getting Stuck

Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever felt like God was speaking to you and revelation was coming but then it stopped? Like everything you hear was going over your head? Almost like he stopped speaking to you? I know I have and I am pretty sure its common on the adventure we have with God. Growing up isn't always easy but as I come to know God more and more, I become more responsible for the revelation he has given me.

Knowledge = Responsibility

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. - James 1:22


I don't know about you but I know he corrected me for this one. I was clearly in the scripture that if I had an issue with a brother to leave my offering and go reconcile the situation.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24


Whats interesting is with this scripture there is really no hidden meaning, I think of the parables Jesus spoke in but this is not a parable this is a commandment. There are no options here he says to leave the offering there and take care the situation before coming back.

I read that many times and at that time there was conflict with my sister and I had not spoken to them in 2 years. So first time I read this I knew what God was saying, I really understood, I mean how can you not? I do not think it gets easier to understand than that. So what happened? Now I did not know this at the time, or maybe I did but cannot remember it but I reasoned my way out of it. I actually made excuses as to why its not the right time to make peace with her. "I was not grown up enough in Christ", "There just isn't enough light in me for God to use it" etc etc. I was telling people those things for months!! Oh boy how I was deceiving myself.

One day I was hanging out with the Lord and doing my studies and he told me Jennifer if you do not do the basics of my word then it will hinder our relationship. He said that and the switch goes off, I knew what he was talking about instantly, it didn't matter what lies I had been telling myself I knew what i needed to do. I was really believing the crap I was telling myself and it was like in one ear and out the other when he spoke to me. Now realizing this of course I had to obey and be the peacemaker, humble myself to apologize even if I didn't feel I did anything wrong and not expecting anything from their side.

So I think it took a week or so (maybe longer) but I did it FINALLY! Sent an apology letter and said okay Lord I am sowing that seed and one day it will reap a harvest. So this plant grew faster than expected, took maybe 30 minutes and I got a response. So the harvest was yes lets talk this out. So I wasn't expecting that and was honestly hoping that was going to be a slow moving harvest LOL. To my surprise it was quick, I guess it was time to humble myself. I hear the Spirit say either you humble yourself or I will do it for you. So now I have 2 choices and honestly door number 2 did not sound that great. I was going to do what I was told.

Everything turns out great, God really gave me the strength to do what was necessary and he could not start to repair some relationships. I understood what the pain of dying to self was because I felt it deep within my gut for hours but once it was over I felt God release me from something. Removed a chain and I was fine.

I realized that humbling myself and being the peacemaker allowed God to heal me. I still remember him saying the more you say I am sorry the easier it gets and it was true. Freedom in being the first to say that.

Was it worth dying for?? Yes it was. God knows what we need to do to be happy. His word commands us to do certain things for a reason. I am pretty sure God didn't leave his word for himself so its important we do not just merely listen but do what it says. After all that I am now free, healed, not angry or living with unforgiveness in my heart.

One last thing I want to point out that Jesus said

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? - John 3:12


If we cannot do the simple things in His word how can he expect us to do the heavenly things? I think our purpose is much more than the basics, and if he cant trust us with the basics how can he trust us with more?